⚠ Contains depressing themes and dismal topics. ⚠
welp, another year down the drain. i swear, these years keep moving faster and faster. maybe tone it down a notch? so this year has been... a rollercoaster of emotions. from feeling empty and devoid of friendship in the first half, to actually making memories and friendships in the second. what a ride! yeah, high school is complicated, especially for someone like me. all i know for sure is that our football team STINKS!!!
this year has been filled with a lot of thinking, acting, and Radiohead. one stands out a lot more than the others, but i won't give any hints. my sophomore year has been a definite improvement over my freshman year, even with the hardships i've faced throughout. i'll get more into those later, but first- christmas break.
so the second christmas break started, i got freaking ill. what started as a stomach ache turned to a day in ER for acid reflux, then turned to a headache and nausea, and finally ended with a stuffy nose and a horrible cough. pretty fun break, 2/10 would not recommended during the holidays (or any day for that matter). my mood was at an all-time low, or maybe it wasn't, compared to everything i'd been going through beforehand. i wasn't exactly feeling too great the week prior to the break, but i'm getting ahead of myself.
once christmas eve came around, i was still dealing with a runny nose and a loss of appetite, but that didn't stop me from having an enjoyable evening. family came over, we played some games and ate the good food- all was chill. then came time for christmas day, where people hand each other decorated boxes filled with stuff they're supposed to like. luckily for me, i liked the stuff i got. some of my presents included a stereo, some computer/phone accessories, a new minecraft calendar, and a shirt of one of my favorite artists. oh yeah, i also got myself one of those new-fangled iphones with the built-in AI whatever, and it about half-works.
being sick during christmas was not fun. y'know, it's christmas. they tell you to not be a jerk and all that, but i was feeling especially jerky this month. to be honest, i've felt down for the past couple years. i don't know the last time i felt like myself. i forgot what "myself" even feels like, i'm just some moody teen who can't wrap his head around life. it's probably the depression dragging my mood down again. have i mentioned i feel depressed? well, expect more of that later.
two days after christmas, my dad and i drove over to LAX to get on a plane to san francisco. what for, you may be asking? well, i'm going to europe next summer with a handful of classmates, so i figured i should get on a plane to see what it's like. and boy oh boy, as a person with intense, constant vertigo, it was NOT a good experience. it's hard to describe- movements feel exaggerated and amplified, the slightest turn or bump feels like it could throw me off. even as i'm writing this the night after coming home, i still feel like i'm rocking around on that plane, even though i'm just sitting down. god, sleeping is gonna suck tonight.
so after downing some dramamine and sitting through the flight, we arrived at our hotel. later that night, we went out for chinese with some family. it was my first time having the stuff, but it was pretty good. i'm a picky eater, so i didn't know what to expect. the next day, we took a ferry (which sucked for me, because vertigo) over to the funny island with that prison. it was uhhh... interesting to say the least. kinda depressing, to be honest. i mean, what do you expect from a prison?
then we ate lunch at some irish place and waited an hour to get on a cable car. once we got on the damn thing, we went up a hill. like, a massive hill. i don't how that 1800s-ass car got us up that monster of a hill, or how the actual city managed to be built on said hill, but it made for a neat trip. to end things off, we then saw beetlejuice: the musical in a nearby theater. it was an impressive performance, but i don't think kids should be watching that kind of stuff. the 5-year-olds that went there were probably confused with all the adult jokes. if they weren't, maybe their parents should get things in order.
so yeah, my trip to the big city was pretty fun. albeit it was hard to enjoy myself because of constant motion sickness and overall mood, but i guess i still had fun. i understand if you're tired of me whining about being depressed all the time or not having any fun, as i feel like it's pretty obvious at this point. i don't talk to anyone, i barely say anything during conversations, i'm a lonely guy. i mean, just think about it. for those who know me and are able to contact me; how often am i the one to start conversations? when am i the one to strike up a convo and carry it for hours on end? that's right- never. you know i'm not lying here, and it's sad. instead of trying to communicate with those around me, i'm isolating myself from humanity and forming my own, little bubble.
in short, i'm lonely. i feel helpless and scared of what's happening to me, and where i'll end up if i continue down this route. i've already shown that i'm capable of hurting myself- both mentally and physically -and i don't want it to grow worse. i don't know why i am the way i am, or why i straight up refuse to talk to people. like, i know who i'm talking to, so why don't i feel comfortable just messaging someone once? i'm always relying on others to drag me out of the shell i'm in, and not bothering to try and get myself out of it. that's why my first year of high school was as sh*tty as it was. i'm in a constant state of regret and self-loathing, with my only crutch being depressing music.
i've tried to hide my true state from everyone around me, and even though i've somewhat opened up, there's still a lot to unpack here. my mood is all over the place, making me feel incredibly scatterbrained at times. but at the end of the day, i always feel the same: isolated and empty. except now i've got motion sickness on top of that! i don't feel human anymore, and i certainly don't feel happy anymore. everywhere i go, i seem to bring my mood with it, which left a noticeable stain on my trip to san francisco. gosh, remember when this blog post was about that?
i've also been having some... depressing episodes throughout the past couple weeks. from constantly crying myself to sleep, to cutting myself up one night, then breaking down in front of a friend, i've been having it rough. this barely feels like a break, more like a period of reflection and misery. can't wait for school to start and amplify these emotions. until then, i might as well think back on how my first semester went as a whole.
not gonna lie, it's been waaaaay different than last year. thank god. i couldn't stand another 4 months of isolation. sooo... what did i accomplish? who did i meet? what have i learned? well... i was in a play! i haven't done one of those in a while. while the student reception was "meh" and the trailer was less than stellar, i still had a lot of fun- the most fun i've had in a while. i met a lot of fun, uplifing people during my time in the play, and they've helped me finally crack this shell that's been forming around me ever since the beginning of high school. yeah, even with all this, i've still felt down at times. i've felt stressed, scared, lonely, and even depressed.
the end of the semester especially brought some of the hardest times in my entire life. i felt like i was at rock bottom, not knowing what to do with myself. i felt like i couldn't possibly be happy... but now i know that's not the case. after talking (and crying) it out with a close friend of mine, i realized that there's still a whole lot to look forward to. i've been shutting myself off from everyone around me, not letting any remotely happy thoughts in. i can't live my life like this- it's unhealthy. even if i can feel lonely and isolated at times, i have to learn to pull myself together and just be happy again. i can't let these dark thoughts of mine take over my entire life.
i may not exactly be in the best state, and i might've even hurt myself and let others down at times, but i'll try to move on. i've let my anxiety have a stranglehold on me for the past few years, and it's completely taken over my entire life. this is no way to live. i need to start actually communicating with people and making an effort to meet new people. if i can't get those things right, then god knows where i'll be next year. but i'll try to not be so gloomy all the time, i'll keep trying to make myself at least somewhat happy.
overall, i'm thankful for everyone i've met and everything i've done this year. if i didn't decide to actually get off my ass and do something, i would've never discovered all the good that high school has to offer beneath the surface. i still have a lot to learn and a lot of reflecting to do. but until then, i'll keep at it, and i'll be alright (hopefully). even with everything that's happened these past few weeks, i'll move on and continue to find the good in life. thank you for reading, and have a great rest of your morning.
oh yeah sonic 3 was goated, too
welp, another year down the drain. i swear, these years keep moving faster and faster. maybe tone it down a notch? so this year has been... a rollercoaster of emotions. from feeling empty and devoid of friendship in the first half, to actually making memories and friendships in the second. what a ride! yeah, high school is complicated, especially for someone like me. all i know for sure is that our football team STINKS!!!
this year has been filled with a lot of thinking, acting, and Radiohead. one stands out a lot more than the others, but i won't give any hints. my sophomore year has been a definite improvement over my freshman year, even with the hardships i've faced throughout. i'll get more into those later, but first- christmas break.
so the second christmas break started, i got freaking ill. what started as a stomach ache turned to a day in ER for acid reflux, then turned to a headache and nausea, and finally ended with a stuffy nose and a horrible cough. pretty fun break, 2/10 would not recommended during the holidays (or any day for that matter). my mood was at an all-time low, or maybe it wasn't, compared to everything i'd been going through beforehand. i wasn't exactly feeling too great the week prior to the break, but i'm getting ahead of myself.
once christmas eve came around, i was still dealing with a runny nose and a loss of appetite, but that didn't stop me from having an enjoyable evening. family came over, we played some games and ate the good food- all was chill. then came time for christmas day, where people hand each other decorated boxes filled with stuff they're supposed to like. luckily for me, i liked the stuff i got. some of my presents included a stereo, some computer/phone accessories, a new minecraft calendar, and a shirt of one of my favorite artists. oh yeah, i also got myself one of those new-fangled iphones with the built-in AI whatever, and it about half-works.
being sick during christmas was not fun. y'know, it's christmas. they tell you to not be a jerk and all that, but i was feeling especially jerky this month. to be honest, i've felt down for the past couple years. i don't know the last time i felt like myself. i forgot what "myself" even feels like, i'm just some moody teen who can't wrap his head around life. it's probably the depression dragging my mood down again. have i mentioned i feel depressed? well, expect more of that later.
two days after christmas, my dad and i drove over to LAX to get on a plane to san francisco. what for, you may be asking? well, i'm going to europe next summer with a handful of classmates, so i figured i should get on a plane to see what it's like. and boy oh boy, as a person with intense, constant vertigo, it was NOT a good experience. it's hard to describe- movements feel exaggerated and amplified, the slightest turn or bump feels like it could throw me off. even as i'm writing this the night after coming home, i still feel like i'm rocking around on that plane, even though i'm just sitting down. god, sleeping is gonna suck tonight.
so after downing some dramamine and sitting through the flight, we arrived at our hotel. later that night, we went out for chinese with some family. it was my first time having the stuff, but it was pretty good. i'm a picky eater, so i didn't know what to expect. the next day, we took a ferry (which sucked for me, because vertigo) over to the funny island with that prison. it was uhhh... interesting to say the least. kinda depressing, to be honest. i mean, what do you expect from a prison?
then we ate lunch at some irish place and waited an hour to get on a cable car. once we got on the damn thing, we went up a hill. like, a massive hill. i don't how that 1800s-ass car got us up that monster of a hill, or how the actual city managed to be built on said hill, but it made for a neat trip. to end things off, we then saw beetlejuice: the musical in a nearby theater. it was an impressive performance, but i don't think kids should be watching that kind of stuff. the 5-year-olds that went there were probably confused with all the adult jokes. if they weren't, maybe their parents should get things in order.
so yeah, my trip to the big city was pretty fun. albeit it was hard to enjoy myself because of constant motion sickness and overall mood, but i guess i still had fun. i understand if you're tired of me whining about being depressed all the time or not having any fun, as i feel like it's pretty obvious at this point. i don't talk to anyone, i barely say anything during conversations, i'm a lonely guy. i mean, just think about it. for those who know me and are able to contact me; how often am i the one to start conversations? when am i the one to strike up a convo and carry it for hours on end? that's right- never. you know i'm not lying here, and it's sad. instead of trying to communicate with those around me, i'm isolating myself from humanity and forming my own, little bubble.
in short, i'm lonely. i feel helpless and scared of what's happening to me, and where i'll end up if i continue down this route. i've already shown that i'm capable of hurting myself- both mentally and physically -and i don't want it to grow worse. i don't know why i am the way i am, or why i straight up refuse to talk to people. like, i know who i'm talking to, so why don't i feel comfortable just messaging someone once? i'm always relying on others to drag me out of the shell i'm in, and not bothering to try and get myself out of it. that's why my first year of high school was as sh*tty as it was. i'm in a constant state of regret and self-loathing, with my only crutch being depressing music.
i've tried to hide my true state from everyone around me, and even though i've somewhat opened up, there's still a lot to unpack here. my mood is all over the place, making me feel incredibly scatterbrained at times. but at the end of the day, i always feel the same: isolated and empty. except now i've got motion sickness on top of that! i don't feel human anymore, and i certainly don't feel happy anymore. everywhere i go, i seem to bring my mood with it, which left a noticeable stain on my trip to san francisco. gosh, remember when this blog post was about that?
i've also been having some... depressing episodes throughout the past couple weeks. from constantly crying myself to sleep, to cutting myself up one night, then breaking down in front of a friend, i've been having it rough. this barely feels like a break, more like a period of reflection and misery. can't wait for school to start and amplify these emotions. until then, i might as well think back on how my first semester went as a whole.
not gonna lie, it's been waaaaay different than last year. thank god. i couldn't stand another 4 months of isolation. sooo... what did i accomplish? who did i meet? what have i learned? well... i was in a play! i haven't done one of those in a while. while the student reception was "meh" and the trailer was less than stellar, i still had a lot of fun- the most fun i've had in a while. i met a lot of fun, uplifing people during my time in the play, and they've helped me finally crack this shell that's been forming around me ever since the beginning of high school. yeah, even with all this, i've still felt down at times. i've felt stressed, scared, lonely, and even depressed.
the end of the semester especially brought some of the hardest times in my entire life. i felt like i was at rock bottom, not knowing what to do with myself. i felt like i couldn't possibly be happy... but now i know that's not the case. after talking (and crying) it out with a close friend of mine, i realized that there's still a whole lot to look forward to. i've been shutting myself off from everyone around me, not letting any remotely happy thoughts in. i can't live my life like this- it's unhealthy. even if i can feel lonely and isolated at times, i have to learn to pull myself together and just be happy again. i can't let these dark thoughts of mine take over my entire life.
i may not exactly be in the best state, and i might've even hurt myself and let others down at times, but i'll try to move on. i've let my anxiety have a stranglehold on me for the past few years, and it's completely taken over my entire life. this is no way to live. i need to start actually communicating with people and making an effort to meet new people. if i can't get those things right, then god knows where i'll be next year. but i'll try to not be so gloomy all the time, i'll keep trying to make myself at least somewhat happy.
overall, i'm thankful for everyone i've met and everything i've done this year. if i didn't decide to actually get off my ass and do something, i would've never discovered all the good that high school has to offer beneath the surface. i still have a lot to learn and a lot of reflecting to do. but until then, i'll keep at it, and i'll be alright (hopefully). even with everything that's happened these past few weeks, i'll move on and continue to find the good in life. thank you for reading, and have a great rest of your morning.
oh yeah sonic 3 was goated, too