⚠ Contains mentions of self-harm and depressing thoughts. ⚠
guess what? it's time for the monthly Lg products rant session! hope you brought your popcorn, because i literally have no idea what i'm going to be writing about this month. i don't know if you know this, but i tend to start writing these things in advance, sometimes weeks before they're posted! i have to account for dates and times, so it can be kinda confusing for me to talk about specific stuff. but i try my best to account for the date that you're reading this! to start, i'm writing this intro on the 12th of february. who knows when the other parts will be written!
moving on from whatever i was on back there, i talked to a good friend of mine a couple weeks back. i kinda wish i talked to them more often, but my ass is not the one to initiate conversations. what am i afraid of? i dunno, smoke inhalation or some crap like that. anyways, this friend is that same one i mentioned in the Daydreaming blog post a while back. yeah, it's been hard without them, since they were my first real friend in years and all that... and it hasn't really gotten better. i guess i'm slightly less depressed, if that's the answer you're looking for? but it still continues to hurt. anytime they're brought up in passing or mentioned by a teacher, my mind always wanders back to the day i broke down in front of them. that day has consistenly been on/off in my mind for the past 3 months now.
my parents are always telling me that my generation tends to act unnecessarily depressed or bored all the time. in simple terms, we suck. i mean, every generation acts a certain way and has their own perception of the world, but i guess mine just seems to be completely out of it. i will say, i don't like being moody and sarcastic all the time. i can tell it gets grating after a while, even with others my age, not just my parents. these blog posts especially are filled with depressed ramblings, unfunny sarcasm, and just overall repetitiveness.
well, to be fair, no one's actually "reviewed" my blog. the closest i have is hyphen making a meme out of a certain phrase i used in the last post. not exactly a "review", per se. the one month gap between posts probably helps with the repetitive aspect of my blog, since it gives me some breathing room to write better stuff, and you don't have to come crawling back to my site every week for a boring ass music review. maybe i'm just an uninteresting person. i don't have many hobbies, i don't do much outside of school (not like i do much there to begin with), and i'd probably just sit there and talk about fricking music for 24/7 if i wanted to. it's dull. and i should probably stop with all that.
...and that's where the title of this post comes in! well, kinda. if you didn't know, a worrywart is someone who dwells on their troubles to an unnecessary degree. but wait, i misspelled the title! actually, no i didn't. because gueeessss what- it's another Radiohead song! i can tell by that noticeably unenthusiastic and annoyed look on your face that this is absolutely not what you expected. yeah, you know that one part you read literal seconds ago? that whole spiel about music reviews or whatever? yeah, let's just throw all that out the window and completely go against what i told myself not to do! such riveting character development.
might as well mention my listening habits, or i should say listening habit. because there's literally only ONE artist/band i've really been listening to. my last.fm account is somehow sad and funny at the same time. i wish i could get out my urge to talk about music more, since barely any of my friends listen to actual music. eh, i'm sure there's other stuff i could talk about with them. i mean, i've recently been fascinated with yandere simulator (not really the actual game, more the history and the guy surrounding it). i think that'd make for a decently interesting conversation starter. or maybe i could even make a video of myself playing the game. then again... i'm probably the last person who should be playing that trainwreck.
y'know, a part of me kinda misses the weekly blog posts. i guess i had a lot of fun writing, since i don't do it very often. but it just got waaaay too repetitive and boring to write. i'm not too fond of the Old Blog as a whole, especially when the posts were like, 5 sentences long. not to mention, i constantly felt the need to shove unnecessary song lyrics into them. gosh, i cringe at myself a LOT. and while i didn't receive any complaints about it, i still think the color-scheme system was an utter mess. how did i manage to make a simple blog so complicated?!
glad i ended up abolishing the old way blog posts worked. now they're decently long, more varied, and lots more depressing! and that reminds me... the devlogs! yeah, remember those? well, their old system was also bad. now they're just intertwined with the main blog, making for two different types of posts i can write. not sure when the next one of those will come out, but it'll probably be related to a certain triangle. so yeah, the new blog is cool, and Zonelets is also cool.
aside from my frequent social issues, my grades have taken a surprising turn in the right direction. last semester (and the entirety of freshman year) i was absolutely not on top of my work. for someone who took an AP class my first year, i'm not quite as proactive as those kind of students are made out to be. but other than the D i have in journalism (teacher hasn't added latest work) and the C in honors chemistry, everything else is a fat A.
i'm not even mad about the chem grade, since i don't understand that class to begin with. and as for journalism, ehhh it'll probably get better.
another neat thing is class rings, which is something you have the option of getting in sophomore year. some guy visited us during homeroom, handed us a big ol' packet, then said some words and left. aside from the riveting presentation, the packet led to a website where i could design my own ring.
most of the metals there would set me back at least $500, but i unironically liked the cheapest option the most. it complemented the ring color really nicely, whereas everything else looked pretty atrocious in comparison. everyone else is probably gonna go with the ugly, expensive options, most likely that gold-looking metal with the fancy name i can't remember. my mom even showed me her class ring, which she got back in the 90's. pretty neat.
i've also had a surprisingly little amount of homework this semester as a whole. you'd think that would give me more time to work on my cool games, and you'd be right. but gosh dang it- my laziness strikes again! yeah, game development has been rather slow these past two months. the triangle game hasn't made very much progress, Fire Forge is still dead in the water, and SSMB is also dead alongside it. look, i know i'm capable of actually making and finishing a game, but it's taken much, much longer than anticipated. honestly i should write an entire devlog on the development hell of George 2, since i haven't really revealed much about that game's development.
alright, i should probably learn to prioritize the right stuff. that's precisely why i'm starting a whole new project- a George 1.5 Showcase! no, this won't be another copy+pasted Scratch presentation. it will instead be a fully-fledged Youtube video that shows some of the game's mechanics! the script and voicelines are done, i just gotta get some gameplay footage and throw it all together. so... why? well, interest in the game has considerably died down ever since George 2 got cancelled. sure, there really wasn't much interest in the series to begin with, but maybe i can change that. i'm not asking for a $10,000 kickstarter or anything like that, i basically just wanna show off my cool game.
even though i don't show it much, i truly love making games. the feeling you get after completing a project you've dumped countless hours of blood, sweat, and swear words into... it's something else, man. but it's a rare feeling, unfortunately. maybe it'll be amplified since it's taken almost four years at this point. but i have an idea. instead of taking months on a small game and further delaying the devlopment of a more important game (see SMS '24), i want to make animations. simple, funny animations on Scratch, just like i used to. yeah, my old animations were pretty bad and cringe, but a somewhat more recent animation of mine has inspired me.
who knows if i'll even decide to go through with this. but it'd be kinda nice if i did. maybe i could expand on some character lore, or even introduce entirely new characters! there's a whole lot i could, yet i have to somehow find the motivation to do it. plus, my Scratch account is pretty barren these days, and i'd like to add some life to it before officially leaving it behind.
on another note, i joined a call with some irl friends the other day, even though dinner had just arrived and my parents were playfully beckoning me to join them instead. as i walked toward my room, subway in hand, my heart started to beat. i don't know why it's always like this- my heart constantly beating out of my chest. even when the tiniest things happen, i can feel my heart rate steadily increase.
all of that was thrown aside when i actually joined, though. the entire call made me realize that... maybe i'm not as socially inept as i think i am. i mean, i'm not incapable of having a good time with others. (remember that quinceañera i mentioned last month?) i just never bother to try in the first place. soon after that call, my mom sat me down and talked to me about... me. i had told her about the George Series lore earlier that day, and if you know the story of those characters... yeaaah. she questioned me about whether i was having suicidal thoughts, my depression/anxiety, stuff like that. now, i would be lying if i said i hadn't thought about suicide. i mean, i never considered it, just thought about what would happen if i did.
but i told her no. just a quick, firm no. i didn't know what her reaction would be if i told her yes. probably send my depressed ass straight to therapy. i'm not against it, but i think there's more i can try before looking into outside help. since y'know, i don't really "try" very often. i'm my own worst enemy, according to my mom.
a good example of this would be valentine's day. for some strange reason that i can't wrap around my head, i felt overwhelmingly depressed that day. even though we had an extended lunch period to hang out and whatnot, i chose to be in my own little bubble and crank up my music. my friends were chatting and having fun, and i decided it would be a great idea to not even bother trying to join in. i could tell i even looked depressed too- one girl nearby asked me "are you okay?", and another (in my spanish class) wished me a happy valentine's day after noticing how sad i looked. i'm sick of this. i'm sick of never enjoying the moment. i'm sick of never actually being there.
like i said, i'm not incapable of having a good time around others. but i deliberately choose to not have a good time. if i keep this up, then people won't even want to ask me if i'm okay. i'd go from unhappy to unapproachable, not even getting the chance to try and make things better. my anxiety and regret... continue to haunt me. i'm always talking about self-improvement or whatever, yet another month has gone by and i have basically nothing to show for it. maybe i should shut up and actually make a change, for once. i'll bet you're tired of hearing me say "i'm gonna talk more next month" and then proceed to say "well, this month sucked".
one more thing. i met my new doctor two weeks ago for my semi-annual physical, and it didn't quite go as expected. while my mom was out of the room, he asked if there was anything i wanted to discuss in private. so i told him about... everything. my depression, anxiety, and even the scar on my wrist. the doctor asked if i was comfortable if he shared this info with my mom, and i said yes. so that's when she learned the truth about me; how i really feel. i know i mentioned earlier that she'd "probably send my depressed ass straight to therapy", but i wasn't joking when i said that. at the time of writing this, she's already scheduling appointments for me.
i know i'm writing this like i absolutely loathe the idea of professional help, but... i really don't. i wrote that last part a week before this, and quite a lot has changed. my mom told me that i can't keep stuff like this in the dark, i have to tell someone. this isn't about school anymore, nor the theatre or anything like that. it's about me, and i have issues. no matter how much i try to convince myself, i can't rely on myself to fix my problems, since i clearly don't bother trying. i'm trapping myself in the same mind i had back in january, back when i wrote Daydreaming. back when i used the supposed "airpod cleaner" to cut myself.
no one seems to notice the signs, other than my parents and best friend. but everyone else seems to not care, or maybe i don't care enough to tell them. there's some sort of void in my life that prevents me from being even the slightest bit emotive. and when i managed to squeeze past it, i'm holding back- isolating myself in a mind of misery and regret. i love to remind myself of freshman year, to the point where i might as well write another damn post about it. but i can't realize that this isn't last year. so much genuinely good stuff has happened this year. i've met people, built friendships, managed to do something worthwhile. but i never seem to realize that.
i always dwell on literally anything and everything that goes wrong. the only things i can write about consistently is how much i suck as a person. constantly imagining scenarios where it always seems to end in dispair. i'm missing out on life, instead trying to make myself believe that self-harm isn't an immediate cause for alarm.
i'm... sorry for ranting. i honestly don't know who'd really want to read this sh*t, not to mention this thing's already over 2,000 words long. i'll save you some time and stop here. geez, maybe i should take a break from being depressed once in a while.
go tell your family you love them, and i'll see you next month.
also stay tuned for that George 1.5 showcase i mentioned earlier
guess what? it's time for the monthly Lg products rant session! hope you brought your popcorn, because i literally have no idea what i'm going to be writing about this month. i don't know if you know this, but i tend to start writing these things in advance, sometimes weeks before they're posted! i have to account for dates and times, so it can be kinda confusing for me to talk about specific stuff. but i try my best to account for the date that you're reading this! to start, i'm writing this intro on the 12th of february. who knows when the other parts will be written!
moving on from whatever i was on back there, i talked to a good friend of mine a couple weeks back. i kinda wish i talked to them more often, but my ass is not the one to initiate conversations. what am i afraid of? i dunno, smoke inhalation or some crap like that. anyways, this friend is that same one i mentioned in the Daydreaming blog post a while back. yeah, it's been hard without them, since they were my first real friend in years and all that... and it hasn't really gotten better. i guess i'm slightly less depressed, if that's the answer you're looking for? but it still continues to hurt. anytime they're brought up in passing or mentioned by a teacher, my mind always wanders back to the day i broke down in front of them. that day has consistenly been on/off in my mind for the past 3 months now.
my parents are always telling me that my generation tends to act unnecessarily depressed or bored all the time. in simple terms, we suck. i mean, every generation acts a certain way and has their own perception of the world, but i guess mine just seems to be completely out of it. i will say, i don't like being moody and sarcastic all the time. i can tell it gets grating after a while, even with others my age, not just my parents. these blog posts especially are filled with depressed ramblings, unfunny sarcasm, and just overall repetitiveness.
well, to be fair, no one's actually "reviewed" my blog. the closest i have is hyphen making a meme out of a certain phrase i used in the last post. not exactly a "review", per se. the one month gap between posts probably helps with the repetitive aspect of my blog, since it gives me some breathing room to write better stuff, and you don't have to come crawling back to my site every week for a boring ass music review. maybe i'm just an uninteresting person. i don't have many hobbies, i don't do much outside of school (not like i do much there to begin with), and i'd probably just sit there and talk about fricking music for 24/7 if i wanted to. it's dull. and i should probably stop with all that.
...and that's where the title of this post comes in! well, kinda. if you didn't know, a worrywart is someone who dwells on their troubles to an unnecessary degree. but wait, i misspelled the title! actually, no i didn't. because gueeessss what- it's another Radiohead song! i can tell by that noticeably unenthusiastic and annoyed look on your face that this is absolutely not what you expected. yeah, you know that one part you read literal seconds ago? that whole spiel about music reviews or whatever? yeah, let's just throw all that out the window and completely go against what i told myself not to do! such riveting character development.
might as well mention my listening habits, or i should say listening habit. because there's literally only ONE artist/band i've really been listening to. my last.fm account is somehow sad and funny at the same time. i wish i could get out my urge to talk about music more, since barely any of my friends listen to actual music. eh, i'm sure there's other stuff i could talk about with them. i mean, i've recently been fascinated with yandere simulator (not really the actual game, more the history and the guy surrounding it). i think that'd make for a decently interesting conversation starter. or maybe i could even make a video of myself playing the game. then again... i'm probably the last person who should be playing that trainwreck.
y'know, a part of me kinda misses the weekly blog posts. i guess i had a lot of fun writing, since i don't do it very often. but it just got waaaay too repetitive and boring to write. i'm not too fond of the Old Blog as a whole, especially when the posts were like, 5 sentences long. not to mention, i constantly felt the need to shove unnecessary song lyrics into them. gosh, i cringe at myself a LOT. and while i didn't receive any complaints about it, i still think the color-scheme system was an utter mess. how did i manage to make a simple blog so complicated?!
glad i ended up abolishing the old way blog posts worked. now they're decently long, more varied, and lots more depressing! and that reminds me... the devlogs! yeah, remember those? well, their old system was also bad. now they're just intertwined with the main blog, making for two different types of posts i can write. not sure when the next one of those will come out, but it'll probably be related to a certain triangle. so yeah, the new blog is cool, and Zonelets is also cool.
aside from my frequent social issues, my grades have taken a surprising turn in the right direction. last semester (and the entirety of freshman year) i was absolutely not on top of my work. for someone who took an AP class my first year, i'm not quite as proactive as those kind of students are made out to be. but other than the D i have in journalism (teacher hasn't added latest work) and the C in honors chemistry, everything else is a fat A.
i'm not even mad about the chem grade, since i don't understand that class to begin with. and as for journalism, ehhh it'll probably get better.
another neat thing is class rings, which is something you have the option of getting in sophomore year. some guy visited us during homeroom, handed us a big ol' packet, then said some words and left. aside from the riveting presentation, the packet led to a website where i could design my own ring.
most of the metals there would set me back at least $500, but i unironically liked the cheapest option the most. it complemented the ring color really nicely, whereas everything else looked pretty atrocious in comparison. everyone else is probably gonna go with the ugly, expensive options, most likely that gold-looking metal with the fancy name i can't remember. my mom even showed me her class ring, which she got back in the 90's. pretty neat.
i've also had a surprisingly little amount of homework this semester as a whole. you'd think that would give me more time to work on my cool games, and you'd be right. but gosh dang it- my laziness strikes again! yeah, game development has been rather slow these past two months. the triangle game hasn't made very much progress, Fire Forge is still dead in the water, and SSMB is also dead alongside it. look, i know i'm capable of actually making and finishing a game, but it's taken much, much longer than anticipated. honestly i should write an entire devlog on the development hell of George 2, since i haven't really revealed much about that game's development.
alright, i should probably learn to prioritize the right stuff. that's precisely why i'm starting a whole new project- a George 1.5 Showcase! no, this won't be another copy+pasted Scratch presentation. it will instead be a fully-fledged Youtube video that shows some of the game's mechanics! the script and voicelines are done, i just gotta get some gameplay footage and throw it all together. so... why? well, interest in the game has considerably died down ever since George 2 got cancelled. sure, there really wasn't much interest in the series to begin with, but maybe i can change that. i'm not asking for a $10,000 kickstarter or anything like that, i basically just wanna show off my cool game.
even though i don't show it much, i truly love making games. the feeling you get after completing a project you've dumped countless hours of blood, sweat, and swear words into... it's something else, man. but it's a rare feeling, unfortunately. maybe it'll be amplified since it's taken almost four years at this point. but i have an idea. instead of taking months on a small game and further delaying the devlopment of a more important game (see SMS '24), i want to make animations. simple, funny animations on Scratch, just like i used to. yeah, my old animations were pretty bad and cringe, but a somewhat more recent animation of mine has inspired me.
who knows if i'll even decide to go through with this. but it'd be kinda nice if i did. maybe i could expand on some character lore, or even introduce entirely new characters! there's a whole lot i could, yet i have to somehow find the motivation to do it. plus, my Scratch account is pretty barren these days, and i'd like to add some life to it before officially leaving it behind.
on another note, i joined a call with some irl friends the other day, even though dinner had just arrived and my parents were playfully beckoning me to join them instead. as i walked toward my room, subway in hand, my heart started to beat. i don't know why it's always like this- my heart constantly beating out of my chest. even when the tiniest things happen, i can feel my heart rate steadily increase.
all of that was thrown aside when i actually joined, though. the entire call made me realize that... maybe i'm not as socially inept as i think i am. i mean, i'm not incapable of having a good time with others. (remember that quinceañera i mentioned last month?) i just never bother to try in the first place. soon after that call, my mom sat me down and talked to me about... me. i had told her about the George Series lore earlier that day, and if you know the story of those characters... yeaaah. she questioned me about whether i was having suicidal thoughts, my depression/anxiety, stuff like that. now, i would be lying if i said i hadn't thought about suicide. i mean, i never considered it, just thought about what would happen if i did.
but i told her no. just a quick, firm no. i didn't know what her reaction would be if i told her yes. probably send my depressed ass straight to therapy. i'm not against it, but i think there's more i can try before looking into outside help. since y'know, i don't really "try" very often. i'm my own worst enemy, according to my mom.
a good example of this would be valentine's day. for some strange reason that i can't wrap around my head, i felt overwhelmingly depressed that day. even though we had an extended lunch period to hang out and whatnot, i chose to be in my own little bubble and crank up my music. my friends were chatting and having fun, and i decided it would be a great idea to not even bother trying to join in. i could tell i even looked depressed too- one girl nearby asked me "are you okay?", and another (in my spanish class) wished me a happy valentine's day after noticing how sad i looked. i'm sick of this. i'm sick of never enjoying the moment. i'm sick of never actually being there.
like i said, i'm not incapable of having a good time around others. but i deliberately choose to not have a good time. if i keep this up, then people won't even want to ask me if i'm okay. i'd go from unhappy to unapproachable, not even getting the chance to try and make things better. my anxiety and regret... continue to haunt me. i'm always talking about self-improvement or whatever, yet another month has gone by and i have basically nothing to show for it. maybe i should shut up and actually make a change, for once. i'll bet you're tired of hearing me say "i'm gonna talk more next month" and then proceed to say "well, this month sucked".
one more thing. i met my new doctor two weeks ago for my semi-annual physical, and it didn't quite go as expected. while my mom was out of the room, he asked if there was anything i wanted to discuss in private. so i told him about... everything. my depression, anxiety, and even the scar on my wrist. the doctor asked if i was comfortable if he shared this info with my mom, and i said yes. so that's when she learned the truth about me; how i really feel. i know i mentioned earlier that she'd "probably send my depressed ass straight to therapy", but i wasn't joking when i said that. at the time of writing this, she's already scheduling appointments for me.
i know i'm writing this like i absolutely loathe the idea of professional help, but... i really don't. i wrote that last part a week before this, and quite a lot has changed. my mom told me that i can't keep stuff like this in the dark, i have to tell someone. this isn't about school anymore, nor the theatre or anything like that. it's about me, and i have issues. no matter how much i try to convince myself, i can't rely on myself to fix my problems, since i clearly don't bother trying. i'm trapping myself in the same mind i had back in january, back when i wrote Daydreaming. back when i used the supposed "airpod cleaner" to cut myself.
no one seems to notice the signs, other than my parents and best friend. but everyone else seems to not care, or maybe i don't care enough to tell them. there's some sort of void in my life that prevents me from being even the slightest bit emotive. and when i managed to squeeze past it, i'm holding back- isolating myself in a mind of misery and regret. i love to remind myself of freshman year, to the point where i might as well write another damn post about it. but i can't realize that this isn't last year. so much genuinely good stuff has happened this year. i've met people, built friendships, managed to do something worthwhile. but i never seem to realize that.
i always dwell on literally anything and everything that goes wrong. the only things i can write about consistently is how much i suck as a person. constantly imagining scenarios where it always seems to end in dispair. i'm missing out on life, instead trying to make myself believe that self-harm isn't an immediate cause for alarm.
i'm... sorry for ranting. i honestly don't know who'd really want to read this sh*t, not to mention this thing's already over 2,000 words long. i'll save you some time and stop here. geez, maybe i should take a break from being depressed once in a while.
go tell your family you love them, and i'll see you next month.
also stay tuned for that George 1.5 showcase i mentioned earlier