⚠ Contains some depressing themes, especially in the later sections. ⚠
hey, everyone. remember that freshman year post i made last year? well, i actually
brought it back! despite these old blog posts being rather short compared to the monstrosities i'm writing now, but there's more to it. i actually went back and added an
afterword to the post. it's been a whole year, and i've had a lot of time to reflect.
speaking of reflecting, what about the year that came after that? y'know, the year that
just happened? well, i have a lot to say about it as well. compared to freshman year, this year was somehow the most exciting and depressing at the same time. it's... weird to describe. going from nothing happening to
a lot of things happening is pretty jarring, actually. i'm sure you've all heard my countless rants about school over the past few months, and i know an entire blog post about it isn't very enticing. what else is there to talk about? i could just sit here and rant about George all day, but it wouldn't help me code any more than i do normally.
so... high school. it exists. for a lot of people, it can be mildly enjoyable getting to hang with friends or laugh at dumb crap. but for a few, high school can be a pit of misery. i think i have the right to say this, for obvious reasons. this year, however, didn't really reflect that. a lot of great things happened this year! but... a lot of not great things happened as well.
i set a lot of milestones this year, some better or worse than others. you already
know what i'm referring to. unfortunately, the bad weighs out the good in my eyes. i know, i know, "not the right mindset to have", i get it. but as much fun as i had performing in a play or going to a friend's quinceañera, twice the amount of time was spent sitting in bed, not knowing what to do with my life.
i spent 3 and a half months straight being depressed out of my eyes. i've always felt like i'm hiding something whenever i talk someone irl, since they don't know what's been happening behind-the-scenes. they all probably assume i'm just some quiet, shy kid who felt like branching out for once. and they're right... to an extent. my anxiety is so bad that i practically don't communicate with
anyone.
even after joining their group chat(s) and following all of them, i have yet to initiate a single conversation. i'm great at keeping in contact, aren't i? sometimes i feel like i'm waiting for someone out there to discover this site, check out the blog, and be horrified by the stuff i wrote three months ago. a part of me feels like i'm still the same kid as i was last year. it's not hard to see why. buckle up, because this is a
long post. get a drink, have a seat, and get comfortable. it's been a long year.
- Semester 1 -going into the year, i wasn't feeling great. the thought of having to endure another
three years of isolation was... daunting, to say the least. a bunch of scheduling issues plagued the weeks leading up to the first day, which didn't set the best impression. the new school-issued chromebooks were also delayed, because ???™. i sat at the exact same lunch table, except now there was
another lonely kid sitting there with me! glad to be such an inspiration to others. we never talked by the way, even though i'm fairly certain we went to the same middle school at some point.
things didn't really shift until a few weeks in, when my mom saw a flyer for a new debate club. i never really "debated" before, but since i didn't bother doing anything last year, i figured "eh, why not." so i signed up and patienty waited for the first meeting. when that fateful day arrived, it was uh, not great. we had been given an easy, "intro topic" for our first meeting. so, since it was supposed a fun, introductory topic, i wrote a couple sentences and moved on.
when i pulled up to that room, literally
everyone had prepared
paragraphs of stuff about the topic. like jesus, you'd think it was some college-level sh*t, but this was a "FUN, INTRO TOPIC". so i had to sit there for an hour, listening to the other kids give such riveting feedback as "i like how he got to the point". yes, i am reusing this from an older blog post. i don't care at all.
well that was a dud, definitely not my cup of tea. and that left me back at square one. september came around, and i saw a new flyer on the 200 wing door. it was for the school's fall production, which was having auditions soon. i was skeptical, but my parents were
extremely keen on me signing up. with no other options available, i signed up for the fall production. and boy oh boy, did it change a lot.
once again, i've already covered this whole thing before. made it through auditions, got called back, ended up with a lead role. but i kinda skipped everything that happened in-between, as i focused more so on the background than the rehearsals themselves. and there's a whole other half of the year i hadn't really mentioned there. but when i said "buckle up", i
meant it. i ain't holding back on the details this time.
the first rehearsal was a read-through to get us familiar with the script. i'm pretty sure the actual theater kids weren't very acquainted with the script either, so it was a learning experience for all of us. i didn't talk to anyone that day, just kinda sat in the back while everyone else took their turns reading their characters' lines. my script was actually different (as in the "PG-13" version), but it didn't affect anything that day. a few sarcastic jabs and laughs later, the read-through of act 1 came to a close.
as i sat on a table waiting for my dad to pick me up, someone from the read-through stopped by. they were also waiting for their dad to pick them up, so they sat down and introduced themself in the meantime. after a short conversation, they left, and i followed suit a few minutes later. had i just... made a friend? holy mother of mercy, what an achievement! give this man an award! but yes, they were my first real friend at that school. something about them just... clicked.
the next rehearsal took place in the theater this time, where we began a process called "blocking". blocking is when the movements of actors are planned out on a stage. aside from building the set, this would define the next two months of my life. as i very slowly got more accustomed to being in something for once, that friend from earlier introduced me to their friend group. they welcomed me in, and things would also change with this group a
lot over the year, for better or worse.
things were looking up for once. i was getting blocking down quite well, i had an actual, lively table to sit at, and my friendship with that friend (who i'll be referring to as Ghost) was blossoming. while i didn't click with most of my castmates yet (something i still feel to this day), i still had a good time.
as the weeks flew by, i started to appreciate theatre a lot more. "flourish" is the word i'd use to describe the fall production. my anxiety had completely torn me down last year, leaving me with the worst possible outcome- loneliness. yet here i was, standing next to real human beings and getting the chance to put on a show for the world to see. that is what made it all worth it. the experience of being
human again, something i hadn't felt in a long while. it was a feeling i never wanted to fade.
december had rolled around, the production having been a great success the month prior. it gave birth to a memory that would last forever, a reminder that i was still
me, even after everything i'd been through. however, in the background of all this, something had changed. i began to feel... clingy. and so did Ghost. something about our friendship, something about us, was different. no, it wasn't a "relationship" per se, but like... siblings. long-lost siblings who finally got the chance to connect. so you can imagine how it felt when they told the group they were leaving.
soon after i heard this, something inside me snapped. all that happiness, growth, liveliness, gone in an instant. i know it sounds dramatic for
one person leaving the group, but Ghost was never "just one person" to me. we had felt connected in a way that couldn't be replicated. they were my the one person who could cheer me up, the one person who could make it hurt less. and just like that... they were gone.
it hurts to say goodbye, especially to someone who means so much to you, yet was only there for such a short time. for the next 3 months, i felt damaged beyond repair. the countless nights of haunting piano ballads and sleepless nights, the cold feeling of emptiness and dread. i never wanted to be here, i just wanted to be happy. and for a moment, that happiness felt closer than it ever had. a few weeks after they left, on a cold, bleak night, i couldn't take it. nothing could change the way things were. so, in an act of desperation, i ended up doing something that i'd regret. and now it's stuck with me.
how did it get to this point, where i was resorting to leaving scars on my wrist to deal with the pain? listening to nothing but Radiohead for months at a time? every time i think about it, i miss those days even more- the days where i was
free. even today, thoughts of going further have traveled in and out of my mind. despite telling myself that it would never get to that point... it's not hard to imagine what that day would look like.
i've never cried as hard as i did when Ghost left. one day in particular sticks out in my mind, where i sat next to them after school, bawling my eyes out in their arms. it's... hard to revisit, i'll tell you that much. i tend to cling onto these memories more than the good ones, since they impacted me in ways i can barely describe. they say "don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened" a lot these days. but, in all honesty, after everything that's happened the past year... it's hard to smile without lying to yourself.
- Semester 2 -christmas served as a much-needed break, especially right after Ghost left the group. yeah, it wasn't exactly the most exciting break ever, but it was still greatly appreciated. plus, it was the first time i'd ever been on a plane! if you don't know, i suffer from constant and intense vertigo, which is dizziness and motion sickness
combined. so yeah, that trip was a blast. the ride there was pretty rough, but it got a little better on the ride back. i got to see Alcatraz and Fishermans' Wharf, both of which were pretty cool. despite my mood being not-so-great, the trip was a nice distraction from all that stuff.
after those two weeks, school was back in session. our group was a member short, and it would get even shorter later on. but for now, something else was on the horizon. a new production in the theatre department- this time being a
musical. now, i was
very hesitant about joining this time. i was in no mental state to be singing and dancing to songs i'd never heard of, but i had no idea what i'd do with my life otherwise, so i signed up.
the musical was different. for the majority of its runtime, i was a sad sack who was stuck with two airpods in at all times. once again, i didn't feel very connected to most of the cast. i definitely got to know people, but it never went beyond a surface-level friendship. it's almost certainly my fault, since i am terrible at keeping in contact with people. but alas, i pushed through each and every rehearsal.
the fall production was more tight-knit in my opinion, since the cast was only half as big there. i guess the musical was a... "worse" experience? but it was far from bad. i still had fun getting to learn the choreography and have a more minor role compared to before. a minor role suited the musical a lot better, since i'm not the best singer or dancer. but something was still missing, something that this production just
lacked compared to before. i can't wrap my head around it, the vibes were just a bit off.
again, it's probably just me. depression really does something to a person, huh? not sure if dancing and singing for three hours a day is the best way to deal with that, but whatever. i'm still glad i did it. after all, what else was there to do?
i only started to really appreciate the musical once tech week rolled around. i finally started to shift away from my long-lasting depressive state, and just becoming
generally moody. there were also a
lot of running jokes relating to me, surprisingly. kinda sucks i only started having fun right as it was ending, but at least i
had fun. you could tell i was much happier compared to a few months ago.
even starting last semester, i've actually done quite a lot with the cast. i've seen two movies, went bowling, partied at a quinceañera, and went to denny's twice. i still don't feel quite as close with the cast as everyone else does, but i guess i still care enough to go out and do stuff with them. makes for a good photo gallery, that's for sure.
as for my main friend group, things weren't looking nearly as good. the dynamic had taken a noticeable shift as soon as the semester started, and it wasn't quite the same. this other girl actually joined the group soon after january, which definitely helped things. but another kid in my group was acting strangely. for whatever reason, he believed that there was some sort of "chaos" that was "corrupting" the group. his words, not mine.
once the season of Lent started, he temporarily left the group to "reflect" or whatever. i soon found out from another friend that this wasn't entirely out of the ordinary for him. he'd had certain issues with the group in the past, especially during freshman year. he's been in and out of the group a couple times, and a few members weren't liking him as much as they used to. soon enough, we decided that it was best he leave the group for good. he took the news surprisingly well, and now he resides at the table
right next to ours. that left our group with just 5 people, even though it had 7 (sometimes 8) last semester.
but as soon as may began, things got even worse. that girl i mentioned earlier was having issues with her grades, and it caused her parents to decide to transfer her to a different school. so this meant that we had somehow lost
three people in the span of
one semester. i don't know if we just have the worst luck imaginable, but it wasn't looking great. like, what the hell happened here? how has this semester been such a disaster for one group? i can't stress enough how baffling this year has been. my mental health was a sh*tshow, the musical wasn't fun until two weeks left, and my friend group lost half its members. good lord.
my classes also weren't exactly helping things, either. originally, i wanted to take Web Design and Game Design, since they were both one-semester classes that intertwined with one another. but Game Design wasn't offered, and i didn't know what my schedule was until a few weeks before school started. if i'd known that Art was taught by the director of the fall/spring productions, i would've taken it in a heartbeat. but instead, wanting to learn video editing, i took stupid Journalism.
i've already had my whole spiel about how Journalism is the most useless class at the school, how it taught me absolutely nothing throughout the course of 9 months, all that stuff. look, i don't hate the teacher. i know that when he's not stumbling his way through this class, he's a chill guy. but his unnecessary rants about useless drivel and incredible mismanagement of the class don't portray that chill guy.
there was also Honors Chemistry, which stressed me out to an excessive degree. i made a very poor choice by taking that class. not once did i look forward to that class, except for the time we had three study halls in a row (for some reason). the labs were enjoyable, the material was pretty boring, and the tests were mind-numbing. but hey, that brass penny looks cool, so i'd say it was all worth it.
every other class was either nothing special or the definition of boredom. also, going back to what i talked about earlier, i unironically think i learned more about video editing from my
Spanish class than Journalism. how does that possibly happen?! what even was the point of that damn class?! okay, back to some sanity. the only notable part about Theology and English is that i got to use my airpods in those classes. i didn't exactly get explicit permission to use them, but they didn't seem to mind, i guess.
my selection of classes was not a big highlight of the year, which stinks. there hasn't been a single class i've had that ranks above B tier. at least next year i get three electives instead of one, and i made
sure to pick some good options this time around. still gotta wait until august, though. wish they'd tell us in advance.
- Year Summary -so, in conclusion, that is why i think this has been a very mixed bag of a year. it started very strong, got REAL depressing midway through, and ended on a flat note. yes, i'm serious. i cannot reasonably call this a "good" year. the good doesn't outweight the bad, but the bad doesn't outweight the good. both blend in such a way that ends up making this year so... meh.
i get this might be frustrating to hear. like, i
really can't just put the bad aside for once and finally have a good year? i guess... not this year. i just can't find it in me. i
want to call this a good year, but after everything that's happened? nope, not gonna happen.
that wraps up my sophomore year of high school. i never in a million years would've predicted anything that happened. going from the loneliest year of my life to the most exciting, yet depressing year of my life? yeah, that
does something to a person. maybe next year we can knock out that "depressing" part, who knows. it'd be nice.
thank god for summer break, it's been one hell of a year. have a good rest of your morning.
i'm also going to europe in a week. so there's that
