post title from: Beck
words: 2,530
hi. so, mood swings, right? y'know, when your mood goes all crazy and it's kinda hard to predict where you're headed next? that's been happening all throughout April, and somehow, by the grace of God, i've come out of it a slightly better person. case in point: the musical i was in just over a week ago. like last year's spring production, this musical was an absolute roller coaster of emotions, usually more on the negative side. the only difference is that i have no best friends to cry over losing. instead, i'm crying over not having many friends in general. (what an improvement!)
the rough draft for this post was, how do i put this, unbearably bleak. yeah, i was a sad f*** in the middle of April. i thought that things weren't going to change, and i'd find myself returning to those dark places from last year. luckily for me, the end of the musical blew a hole in those plans. remember last year's "Over the Ocean", which was also about a musical? well, this new-fangled "Blue Moon" is the 2026 equivalent, believe it or not. it's just a tad more sad than usual.
i know the last few months have been... difficult, to say the least. i was pushing away from everything happening in front of me, and the friendships i'd worked so hard to start were actively decaying right before my eyes. i'd spent every night wishing it would all just end, hoping to just go home.
then i got a Creeper 2DS and started taking a crap-ton of pictures.
okay, there was definitely a little more to it than that. but to be honest, i dunno why or how this happened. literally, the exact same thing happened last year. i felt down for a couple months, then suddenly felt extremely "up". that's not necessarily a bad thing, y'know, since at least both times ended on a good note. but man oh man, have these last few months been depressing as all hell.
at least during Freshman year, my mood was relatively stable. it's been completely off the walls since then, and it's kinda driving me nuts. it also makes these posts harder to write, since i could be having a fantastic day and then a real sad one the next. the "rough draft" of sorts for this post was also similar to the draft for Over the Ocean; it was sad, bleak, gloomy, and basically any other adjective you could think of.
i think the reason this happens is because i tend to start drafting (more like finalizing, since i don't proofread these very often) these posts in the middle of the month, rather than the very end the month. my anxious ass just can't wait to get my greasy ass fingers on a keyboard, which ends up in these incredibly dismal reads.
i don't like being a downer. even though these posts are mainly for myself at this point, i still have to think about everyone else. to anyone who visits this site and happens to check out a blog post, i'll probably come off as nothing more than a really depressed guy. i mean, i've pretty much forced that image onto myself. my motto literally has "moody" right at the start, so you can paint a good picture of me just through some light reading.
i like writing, but i hate how i’ve kinda sucked all the life out of it. this blog has been one giant pity party for me since the very start, and i can tell it’s weighing me down. i don’t even know how people manage to sit through these things, if anyone even does.
it gets even worse when i’m asked to write, and i quote, “the best essay you’ve ever written”, unquote. but i guess that’s how it be when you’ve got an English class and a Personal Statement for College Admission to write.
so more about that essay. about a week ago, my English teacher assigned us all to start writing this personal essay for college. apparently this thing is like, really important, so we had to get started quick. the problem is that my teacher only allows us to write in class, meaning we can’t take our essays home or write them anywhere outside of class. he does this because of AI, which he found to be a major issue once ChatGPT blew up a couple years ago. i don’t use AI for writing, since its “writing” is completely soulless and entirely plagiarized.
of course, the students at my school immediately ruined it for everyone, and now we’re stuck scrambling to write an essay we’re barely given any time to finish. speaking of, holy sh*t do we have such little time to write this thing. we have around 60 minutes to write per class, and by now, our teacher expects us all to have finished our final drafts. that’s firstly, waaaay too little time for most people, and also really bad news for me. once my rough draft was done, i immediately ditched it and started writing a completely new essay.
why did i ditch all that hard work, you may be asking? well, i actually find it quite hard to think of good stuff to write about on the spot. the added pressure from having a strict time limit and, y’know, this being a college essay and all, really doesn’t help my case. even with the help our teacher gave us to come up with ideas and write like someone in college would, my rough draft ended up a complete mess. it reads like one of these blog posts more than anything, but not exactly like a formal essay. it’s also considerably sad, which kinda makes it an absolute chore to read. so i ended up ditching that waste of ink and writing about who i actually am, rather than just reciting the Sophomore Year Review.
the new and (hopefully) improved essay just shows how i got into computer science at a young age, struggled in high school until theatre, and how i’ve continued my computer science journey by making all the stuff you see here. yeah, the rough draft definitely stood out more, but it likely wouldn’t have gotten me anything more than a “Damn, he sounds like a real charmer”. i think that was the moment i realized that i’m really not the brightest of people. for years now, i’ve been wallowing in my lonely, little world, never peeking my head out until it’s just too late.
heh, no wonder my Freshman year was as dull as it was. even my Sophomore year, which was filled with growth and new friendships, was also one of the loneliest, most depressing years of my life so far. this year is rather boring in comparison, but still full of regrets. i regret not keeping up with my online friendships, i regret not keeping my real life friendships, and i especially regret not keeping my friendship with…
this is what i’m talking about. in the blink of an eye, i go from relatively chill to entirely dreary. i repeat the same sh*t in every post, yet my ass refuses to get up and do something about it. i can’t find the motivation to even say “hi” to my closest friends, people i should’ve been engaging with all this time. i really don’t know why i can’t do it, or at least why i keep telling myself i can’t. one text isn’t gonna hurt me, i know that. i may have gotten lucky last year with Ghost dragging me into her friend group, but it sure as hell ain’t happening again.
if there’s one place i should’ve talked to more people, it’s the theater. i did another musical by the way, not sure if i’ve mentioned that. like the last musical, i had only small roles, which was perfect since i really didn’t feel like being in the spotlight. it went about as well as any other production, only this time i was just relatively depressed instead of completely depressed. i’ve certainly gone a long way, huh?
after the fall production, i had a bit of a fall from grace. even before that fall actually happened, i could tell it was coming. back in December, i wrote, “now that friendship is probably gonna slowly die thanks to my inability to initiate”. well, looky here! not just one, but multiple friendships that have slowly died!
it’s honestly embarrassing how awkward i am with people. like, every conversation i have just has this strange energy to it. there had to be some point in time where i forgot how to make conversation. nothing ever happened, though, and here i am today still wondering what went wrong. i had a mock back-and-forth conversation with my therapist a couple days ago, and it went decently well. i tend to slur my words and go a tad off-topic, but there wasn’t much awkward silence. yeah, i can converse pretty well, but how in the mother of f*** do i get the ball rolling? what do i say, when do i say it, and who do i say it to?
anyway, while i was busy answering those questions, i was also busy dying. not literally, my character gets killed off pretty early into the performance (in front of the audience, no less). look, i’ve fallen into that same trap of throwing myself a pathetic, little pity party. i had some fun in the musical, so why not focus on that? even though i didn’t really connect with anyone, i still met a lot of cool people. the most important thing, however, was making memories.
alright, i’m boutta get real niche on ya, so be warned. y’know how the Nintendo 2DS has a camera? well, i started using that camera. for whatever reason, i felt compelled to start taking photos using my 2DS. it was actually quite… gratifying to be honest. having a non-iCloud-related way to view some great memories is charming to me, even if the photos look like complete garbage. i even asked my dad to take pictures of me getting my theatre letter with the thing, as strange as that sounded to him.
i guess everyone has their own way of enjoying things, and this was just my way of making the musical more fun for me. other than that, it was pretty standard musical stuff. i dunno, this year just feels a lot emptier than it should. last year i went to a quinceañera, two movies, Denny’s, and it felt a lot more lively than now. this year i’ve done what, taken some pictures?
i’m praying that i can turn things around next year. i’m trying out for my school’s Chamber Singers, so hopefully i can force myself into some conversations if i get in. oh, and i’d get to sing, which i guess i wouldn’t mind doing.
so there’s only about a month left before i’m out of school, and that’ll start my two months of nonstop George 1.5 work. but until then, i need something to occupy myself. i would work on Labyrinths II, but i’ve kinda run out of motivation for Alpha 2. i’ve got all my ideas down, but the UI is what’s really troubling me. instead, i’ve decided to work on something fun and whimsical: a dating sim. why, you may ask? eh, why not. i need to get my hands on Scratch blocks again, and this is a fine way of doing that.
in this game, you’re dating a cucumber! specifically, you’re dating Cory the Cucumber, who is probably the “most popular” character i’ve made so far. now, i’ve never made a dating sim before. heck, i’ve never even played one before, which is probably more of an accomplishment than actually playing one. i have, however, played the new Tomodachi Life. i’m also well-acquainted with Monika After Story, which i, shamefully, visited quite frequently back during my Freshman year. are those enough to get me by? they're probably enough for me to make a game out of, but i’ll look into actual dating sims and see what inspires me next.
at this point, i’ve created a couple kickass menus, the game’s logo, and an entire text engine. i always tend to do the gameplay later, since i've started to put a lot of time and effort into the menu design of my games.
this game also won’t look like a traditional visual novel. i want to emulate actual conversations with Cory, not just clicking through a bunch of dialogue. you’re gonna actually have to remember the stuff you talk about in the game, as Cory will bring conversations up far after they’ve ended. you can also ask questions while he talks, which will prompt you to play a little minigame to select the correct question to ask. Cory may also ask for your input during conversations (think Mad Libs), which is where the Tomodachi Life influence comes in.
you’ll also have to choose what location and what time you meet Cory each day, and you’d better pay attention to what he says. he’ll often bring up the next day’s weather and how he feels about certain locations, since neither of those are given to you beforehand. having this more “interactive” style gameplay makes this idea of a dating sim a lot more fun. at its core, this project is for me to expand on the lore of Cory and some of the greater George Series.
you’re probably asking who you’re actually playing as. well, no one knows. Cory won’t address you by anything other than your name, which you input at the start of the game. (ten characters max, but no filter!) the game lets you be whoever you wanna be. all of the game is canon, though! you’re just some mysterious individual Cory dates before George 1.
if you couldn’t tell, i’m really excited about this project. sure, creating all the background art and such might be a chore, but i’m yearning to write some dialogue. the only issue is that dating sims aren’t allowed on Scratch. but y’know, itch.io exists! i could also just announce that i have a new game, without actually saying what it is. Scratch doesn’t allow Neocities links, but it’s trivially easy to get around.
since the game will be released as an itch.io exclusive, will it be in widescreen? i didn’t think about it until writing this, but i’ll consider it. i could probably get away with some more… vulgar themes if i felt so inclined. no, you won’t find a cutscene where you jump into bed with my boy Cory, but you could share a good kiss or something (can you tell i don’t know much about dating sims).
sorry about the whiplash from the depressing ass musical part to this, but my mind has been all over the place as of recently. maybe this will be the game that finally gets off the ground.
until next time, i’m Moody Teen-man and i’ve been wasting your money.