This post contains mentions of self-loathing and self-harm.

i. intro - crashing the pity party

so uh, where do i start? out of all my years in high school, this one has definitely been the blandest. like, writing this blog post in particular has been a struggle for me. the hell am i supposed to talk about, how bored and sad i’ve been these past few months? i remember describing last year as "exciting", despite all the crap i went through in the latter half.

this year has been pretty gray, in comparison. at least i felt something during first semester, but it’s gone downhill since then, if you haven’t already guessed. just look at the blog posts for this year. i feel like most of them end up blending together, and i can barely remember what i’ve written down each month. it’s draining.

there’s tens of thousands of words across this entire blog, yet only a fifth of them actually amount to something. maybe this is my wake up call to finally abolish the monthly schedule. maybe some shorter posts would also do me well, since these three-thousand word monstrosities i’ve written don’t really fit the new site layout.

we’ll get to the web site stuff in an upcoming devlog post, don’t worry. for now, i’ve gotta worry about this blog-sized hole i’ve dug myself into. how am i supposed to write this ol’ thing? y’know, the big ol’ review that this entire year has been leading up to?

maybe i should just get rid of the blog schedule. not that i’m constantly stressing to write these every month, but it’s gotten noticeably stale. plus, having to rewrite 26 whole pages of blog posts was not fun at all.

well actually, it was a little fun. i think having posts divided into sections was a pretty smart move, and the headers have been really fun to come up with.

truth be told, i’ve never been able to perfect this blog. the Old Blog was a color-coded nightmare, this new blog is an absolute chore to read through, and i’m sick of it. so yeah, the days of a monthly schedule are over.

i’m not doing this for the zero people reading this, i’m doing this mainly for me. the blog is my way of preserving my life, since i’m too much of a wuss to go out and take any pictures.

i’m trying to teach myself that not every little detail of every month needs to be recorded. most of the posts after Two Weeks have really started to blend in for me, and it’s a sad sight to see. each blog post should be a distinct read with distinct memories, not a pity party with promises i never end up making.

as for the overall length of these posts? that probably won’t change much. i mean, hey, i just have a lot to say most of the time. still, i’ll try to cut my yapping down to a minimum. i love my Over the Ocean post to death, but it’s a tad too long for my liking.

ah, well. not much i can do about that. sure, i could just waltz in a delete entire chunks of my previous posts, but just erasing history like that is not something i agree with.

with that said, i did make some minor edits to some posts. not like the average reader could spot them, anyhow.

with all that said and done, i think it’s about time to delve into the focal point of this post. my Junior year of high school may have been bland, but there’s still quite a lot i’d like to say about it. if you haven’t started dozing off by now, then prepare yourself. wipe that mud off your pants and take a seat–it’s about to get real (bland).

ii. 1st semester - a whirlwind of madness

a. just a bit of a breeze

heading into my third year of high school, i was in a fairly sour mood. summer was a bit of a bore for me, aside from my trip to Europe. i hadn’t talked to anyone, hadn’t made much progress on George 1.5, and i was definitely bummed that my break was over. i hadn't accomplished nearly as much as i'd hoped for, so i was in a bit of a funk.

my schedule came in soon enough, and it was looking actually decent this time around. a theatre class, a computer science class, the Sacraments; holy smokes, it was all here!

to kick things off, we had a brand spankin’ new fall production to do. after months of depression, loneliness, and basically ignoring everyone around me, the start of Junior year seemed like the perfect time to turn all that around.

i then proceeded to ignore–wait, no. that’s semester two. i didn’t slump back into sadness just yet. instead, i was trying out for the fall production, a.k.a. the school play. like Sophomore year’s play and musical, no one had ever heard of it previously, making things much easier for me.

i didn’t (and still don’t) really watch a whole lot of actual plays or musicals. the most i had seen up to that point was The Great Gatsby in London, along with a couple others in home territory. during last year’s musical, i had spent the better part of three months completely isolated from the people around me, which i’ll never live down.

still, i eventually managed to break free of that isolation, and i ended up having a blast near the end of it. surely i could pull something off like that again, right? for old times' sake?

well, it took some time. luckily i hadn’t fallen into any major gloominess, but i was far from overjoyed going to the theater every day. i was mostly looking forward to going home everyday to sit and twiddle my thumbs. one thing was improving for sure, however, and that happened to be my grades. as shocking as it is to see me actually working to improve my grades, i was actually doing pretty damn well.

my Theatre Arts class was an easy A, as much as i hate to say it. my History class hadn’t become the biggest pain in the ass yet, and the rest were pretty easy. i hadn’t discovered the good in my English class yet, but i was still doing fine there.

i will say, though, i think i may have had it a bit too easy that semester. yeah, i was actually doing my homework this time around, but i kinda breezed through the next few months. but hey, can’t complain about straight A’s, am i right?

so my grades were actually looking up for once, which was a first for me. that was only half the battle though, since i still had to trudge my way through the fall production. i was pretty mixed about it, as you probably guessed, but that mood would thankfully end up changing soon.

b. just me and you

as our rehearsals went on and tech week got closer with each passing day, my mood started to shift. even my parents noticed it, and they usually see me as nothing more than a moody b*tch (exaggerated for comedic effect). at that moment, i was really, genuinely happy.

oh my goodness, how did this happen? was i about to shoot myself in the head? was i on something? was i putting on the best fake smile in my entire life? no, i actually felt happy. my mood always tends to spike near the actual performances, and it even put a halt to my crippling depression last year.

this time around was a tad different, though. i actually got the chance to form a bond with someone. someone i first met when i got into this business, someone who made me feel welcomed when i needed it most, and someone i deeply respect.

usually, i don’t interact much with people during rehearsals. some small talk here and there, but i’m basically just going through the motions each time. but late into the fall production, however, there was someone who wanted more out of me.

this play was different in the fact that it was split up into very distinct scenes. it more so focused on individual stories rather than the overarching plot, and a bunch of students got to star in their own unique scenes. i shared my scene with a girl who i’ll call JoJo.

like Ghost, i met JoJo in my first theatrical bout, only i didn’t really interact with her much. we were chill (like i was with most others), but there wasn’t really a long-lasting friendship in sight. skip ahead a year, and we now shared an entire scene together. it wasn’t just some two-minute, throwaway scene by the way, it went on for like, a solid fifteen minutes.

our first couple rehearsals weren’t terribly interesting, but we actually started talking a bit and getting comfortable with each other. eventually, she actually started seeking me out. like, she would intentionally come over to me just to hang out and talk.

everyone’s scenes were good to go at this point, so we were just running through the entire play. but in our downtime, it was pretty common to see me and JoJo chilling in the hallway, chatting about... life. for the first time since the beginning of Sophomore year, i felt like i was truly connecting with someone. it was a feeling i had been yearning for almost a year.

so by the time the next semester came around, that friendship was basically dead. yeah i hate to sour the mood, but i let it die, and i feel like the biggest piece of sh*t on earth for letting that happen.

i seriously don’t know why i’m physically incapable of reaching out to people. i never thought it was that bad, but clearly i outdid myself with this one.

c. just starting the fall off

i'm jumping ahead a bit, though. before i fell into disarray, i still had some other stuff to look forward to. first up was a halloween party with my friends. thankfully, us four managed to stick it out after losing half our squad last year. despite having to suffer through a special episode of The Loud House, the party was fun. should do this stuff more often.

right before our performances began, i went to a couple concerts with my dad. two of my favorite artists were performing: Tame Impala and Grizzly Bear. both performances were amazing, and i got some kickass videos and merch of both. this was during a school week, by the way, and pretty "hardcore" for my dad's standards.

throughout all this, my friendship with JoJo was still blossoming. she was making a great effort reaching out and starting up convos, meanwhile i didn't start any at all. can you see why my friendships usually don't last? ah, sorry. we're not at that part yet.

my mood was worse than usual, but it wasn't completely off the rails. sure, i failed to finish the Remastered Collection update, and 2026 was rapidly approaching with George 1.5 still incomplete, but i tried to take my mind away from all that. this year may have not had the highs of my Sophomore year, but there was still some good lying around.

the end of the fall production was in sight, and i was finally having a decent time. my big scene was ready to go, everyone was hyped, and the tickets weren't exactly flying off the shelves. things were looking up for once! all three performances went without a hitch, and i was had a decent time, for once.

it didn't stop there. the holiday season had rolled around, and it was definitely a good one. aside from getting lots of cool presents, including one from my deadbeat grandpa, i got to hang out with some friends. not the halloween party friends, no, but my theatre friends.

god, i wish i could go back to December. that party was a freaking blast. we ate chicken, talked FNaF lore, stayed up late, and played Wii Sports. i got to hang with some really cool people who i hadn't really spoken to much beforehand.

though, i've now realized how negative i was at the actual time of these events. but i think i already knew what was to come. even during the play, the Christmas party, and throughout the entire year... i knew my dumbass was gonna screw it all up.

my blog was rather bland during the first semester. i couldn't even remember what half the posts were about until i went back and added sections. i think my blog has been a sad sight for most of its existence, and i hate how it's been nothing more than me hating on myself.

yeah, i've developed a slew of new issues this time around. each year seems to have a new problem starting in "self", huh? and you wanna know the best part about that? it's because of my self-deprication and self-pity that i ended up graduating to the next level of self-related problems: self-hatred.

iii. 2nd semester - stuck in a rut

a. spending some time regretting

so, circling back to my friendship with JoJo, i let it die. she made all the effort in the world to reach out and start a friendship, and how did i respond? well, i'm not saying i didn't respond. when someone starts a conversation with me, i usually jump right in. so really, i don't have an issue talking to people. i have an issue starting to talk to people.

i've asked myself plenty of times before why JoJo bothered to start talking to me in the first place. was she just trying to break the ice while we were scene partners, or was she really trying to start an actual friendship? and y'know, she's probably had her fair share of questions about me, as well.

"why did he never reach out himself?" "does he hate me?" "does he even consider me a friend?" god, i feel awful knowing that that's probably what was going through her mind at the start of the semester. i had a slam dunk of a friendship right in front of me, and i dropped the ball right as things were getting good.

but of course, in the midst of all this questioning, things were about to get a whole lot busier again.

now that school was up and running, there was, of course, a new musical to audition for. this would mark my fourth venture into theatre, and i would also get my letter if i made it through. the last play had gone well enough, despite my lack of social interaction, so i just jumped right in.

i think my audition went a hell of a lot better this time, and i was one of the few to land a named role. yeah, a huge chunk of the cast was only in the ensemble, so it was cool to have an actual role. i think the seniors tend to get the biggest roles, anyway.

rehearsals were kinda tedious this year, probably because i wasn’t having any fun. i have a very noticeable tendency to make the worst out of my situation and be a depressing little b*tch. safe to say, i was definitely falling into that trap again. so... i didn’t really bond with anyone this time around. i got to know some more people, sure, but none of them i would call my friends.

come to think of it, i don’t know who i would call my friends in theatre. there’s like, three people who i would consider friends? even then, i really only chat with two of them. doesn’t help that i’m becoming a senior in a few months, and those three people i would consider friends have all graduated.

one thing that persisted throughout the semester, however, was this certain awkwardness i felt around JoJo. i can even pinpoint the exact moment it started—my theology class. i had transferred into a new period this semester, and this class happened to have JoJo in it.

when i saw her, i just felt... anxious. i hadn't spoken to her all break, and i was desperate to avoid eye contact. she noticed me looking away in every which direction, however, and got my attention. she knew i was intentionally avoiding her. heh, talk about mixed signals, am i right?

i liked her, okay? she's fun, emotionally responsive, and an excellent vocalist. but my supreme dumbass just made it clear to her that i had no interest in chatting. like, are we being so f***ing serious right now? after all that bonding just mere weeks ago, i just drop the friendship completely? definitely not one of my finest moments ever.

so that wasn't making my Junior year experience much better. in fact, it was one of the main reasons i felt so sh*tty for the rest of it. it was also the catalyst for my mood swings.

b. spending some time brooding

mood swings have always been a part of high school, but they were especially troublesome this year. to this day, they still affect my everyday life. i swear, every single DAY is a jumble of emotions. the smallest things have a big impact on my mood, and it’s near impossible to tell where i’ll be by the end of the day.

when i’m not dragging my feet across the floor in the morning, i’m usually just pretty bummed. not like my sleep schedule is completely screwed or anything. nights are especially gloomy, and that’s usually where the trouble comes in. the only thing that’s really helped me through this is music. remember when i wouldn’t shut up about that?

happy music makes me sad, so i've been most of those songs in my playlist as of recent. it sucks because i know i’m depressed. it’s the same feeling i had last year. that same helpless feeling, like a hole you can't climb out of.

to be real with you, i haven't been completely honest with my therapist this year. i've made myself out to be this "moody, but deeply well-meaning" guy. and while that may be true, there's another piece of the puzzle i haven't mentioned. my su*c*dal thoughts.

this year, more than ever, has brought out those feelings of emptiness and sadness. the amount of times i’ve imagined myself on death’s door is alarming, to say the least. i swear, i turn into a completely different person at night, no matter how good the day might’ve been. i haven’t brought this up to anyone, because then i’d look really bad.

not like i could actually go through with anything, anyway. i’ve thought a whole lot about it, and i have too much to live for, mainly my family. everyone’s looking to me to continue the family, and it especially hurts since i’m an only child. i couldn’t possibly ditch them just because my ass is too much of a p*ssy to say hello to people.

i've come up with all sorts of different scenarios involving me tying the knot. i figured my life was just gonna keep on sinking. last year was the same story—i thought i could get through this thing myself, and it clearly didn’t pan out. my mom signed me up for therapy as soon as she saw that lovely scar on my wrist (which is gone, by the way).

the thing is, who am i supposed to confide in? usually, it'd be someone's best friend or therapist. but i don't have anyone nearly close enough to me to mention all this! and if i told my therapist about all this, it'd start throwing things waaaay off.

i just need some friends, man. my three lunch friends are the least emotionally responsive bunch, unfortunately. that's why it hurt so much when i realized how dirty i had done JoJo. she sympathized with me, and she cared about what i had gone through during Sophomore year. how could i have been such an idiot?!

c. spending some time cramming

even through all this, i still had a musical to do. i wasn't really looking forward to it, but it's not like i could waltz my way out of a signed contract. like i mentioned earlier, my named role actually dies early on, so i didn't have too much to do for the rest of the runtime.

i didn't really make any new friends this time around. i was just going through the motions. it sucks because this show turned out to be one of the best the school had seen in a while. like the rest of the productions, all the fun came at the tail end.

once we got in the dressing rooms and put on our costumes, i started having a better time. i was interacting more, getting to actually know my castmates, and was coming home with my head up for once.

what i wasn't having fun with, however, was the "school" part of school. while i had straight A's last semester, i was the laziest i'd ever been this semester. i was dropping the ball, and still going through all that self-loathing stuff i mentioned earlier.

the only classes i really enjoyed this semester were my Theatre Arts and English classes. the first in particular was a highlight of the year, and it's all thanks to another important person in my life, Mr. A.

now i first met Mr. A at the start of Sophomore year. it was his first year as a teacher at my school, and it just so happened to be my first year in theatre. right off the bat, he knew i had some real talent. that's how i landed a leading role—he was the guy directing the play!

what separates Mr. A from the rest of the bunch is that he deeply cherishes everything he does. while some teachers are blatantly just in it for the paycheck, Mr. A actually gives a damn about performing arts. and all the students love the guy to death, including me (obviously).

he was also my Theatre Arts teacher this year, which is the main reason i enjoyed it so much. it was a shock to all of us, though, we he announced that he would be departing from the school after this year.

why was Mr. A leaving so soon, you may ask? well, the school administration held a private meeting with him, saying there wasn't enough "classroom progress" for him to be kept around. as a result of whatever the hell that means, they terminated his contract.

i personally asked him about the ordeal before he left, which is how i know about the meeting. and i'd like to give a big "f*** you" to the administration for doing this. thank you for taking away one of the students' most beloved teachers for a reason so vague that not even Mr. A himself could piece the whole thing together.

luckily for me, i managed to get my grades mostly fixed up by the end of the semester. the musical was also a smash hit, and i ended up getting more of out it than i thought i would. not a terrible ending, i guess.

iv. interlude - for big ideas

what didn't help the ending was my pissing history class. i've made it very clear before that i am not a fan of this year's history class. my main gripe with the class is that it's project-based, and the projects themselves were complete jokes that didn't relate to anything at all!

the teacher prides himself for having so many "fun" projects, instead of actually teaching us about the history of our rapidly-declining nation. i ended up with a B- in the class because of two projects i outright refused to do at the end. but that's not the reason i dislike the class so much.

one day, in the middle of history class, the teacher handed me a hall pass that was sending me to the dean's office. i didn't even know where the dean's office was, which was why it was such a shock to me. had i done something wrong? had i said something that outrageous?

once i arrived, i took a seat and the dean started talking. he told me that my history teacher had noticed me typing on a document called "The big doc for big ideas", and he could actually SEE the words on my screen. what he saw on my screen had made him "uncomfortable", according to the dean. that's how i ended up in his office.

he questioned me further, politely. he figured that what i was typing was personal, and i confirmed that it was a "diary" of sorts. he asked if it was anything he should be worried about, and i told him no. i was let off the hook.

now, i didn't confront my history teacher about it, but i was kinda baffled. i don't know exactly what part of the document he had read, but whatever part it was is now in this very blog post. i kinda hated him for doing that.

i know, i know, i wasn't exactly being on-task. but i didn't even know that teachers could get a full view of your screen! he had just read my personal diary! i felt a bit violated, to say the least. yeah, i probably shouldn't be working on my posts during class, but he just went ahead and read it!

i already disliked the class to begin with, but now the teacher has just seen my personal sh*t in full 1080p! you're probably saying it's my fault, and i get why. but it's just so... weird to me. why couldn't he have just told me to get off whatever i was doing? he may just be looking out for me, but he had such an off-putting attitude about it that i can't help but feel uncomfortable myself.

next year, i would really prefer if i never saw my history teacher again. that day rubbed me the wrong way. i'm guessing teachers are supposed to report any "alarming" behavior to the deans, but i would've greatly preferred if he kept his mouth shut and didn't snitch to the dean.

maybe i'd have a different attitude toward this if i actually liked the guy, but it just made me more sick of his class that i already was. last year's history class was such a vibe for me, what the hell happened? at least it's all finally done and over with.

v. outro - where are we now?

a. a series of peculiar events

i know the ending to Section iii was kinda abrupt, but there's still one more thing left to talk about. at the beginning of the 2nd semester, my Theatre Arts class began working on a production of its own. for whatever reason, we ended up choosing to write and perform an abridged version of the five four seasons of Stranger Things.

our other options included Cars and Toy Story, but everyone just ended up going for thinger strangs.

now, i hadn't actually seen any of the show at that time, and Mr. A assigned me to watch the entire thing in a month. to sum up my thoughts: season one was great, season two was boring, season three was decent, season four was good, and the season five was mid as hell.

our production wasn't exactly smooth sailing. the main writer of the script (one of the directors) had to stop after landing in the hospital for a bit, so the script was in the oven for much longer than we'd hoped. once the script was "done", it went through several revisions. season three in particular was a mess, and in the end we had to cut out season five completely.

while the musical had two whole weeks of tech rehearsals, our production had two days. we'd barely even touched the actual theater beforehand, and now we had only two days to get our feet off the ground?! in just that time, we had to get our costumes, makeup, set, lighting, and sounds ready. jesus christ.

somehow we weren't completely screwed once Wednesday rolled around. sure, the cast only had the first two seasons of the script memorized (we had to have them on stage for the rest), but everything else was basically fine. we rehearsed a little bit more before the show started, and the time soon came.

the show started off relatively okay! season one was pretty smooth, all things considered. season two had most of the scripts start falling in the actors' hands, but it was fine. season three, on the other hand... i still have nightmares of that disaster of a season.

right before the show started, the directors haphazardly cut out a bunch of stuff from season three to save time. we barely discussed the cuts, and were just expected to know them going into the performance. it was actually going okay until midway through, when we got completely lost.

the final battle in particular was pretty bad, since not only was the huge monster (made up of five actors) like, an entire minute late to the party, but we were just plain struggling to actually know where we were in the script. eventually, we just skipped ahead to season four, which was comically short due to time constraints.

the audience actually ate that sh*t up, though, and were laughing and cheering the whole time. i guess that means we did good? our trip to In-N-Out after was pretty fun, i will say.

if the musical wasn't a highlight of the year, than this certainly was. i even got some more kickass photos on my Creeper 2DS. why a 2DS, you may be asking? i dunno, it's relaitvely niche and quite the vibe.

b. a series of upcoming events

consider this the "year summary" part of the post. i'd to apologize for how absolutely humongous it ended up being. for the record, the largest post before this was... 3,440 words. yikes. at least i uh, got through the entire year without skipping any details!

look, i know this semester has been one of the blandest, both for me and this here blog. but i'd like to end it with some a little more positive for a change. just a few days ago, i stayed after school (on the last day) until 8pm. doesn't sound fantastic, right? well, i actually enjoyed it.

i know i've mentioned the Chamber Singers at some point, but for those who didn't read that part: it's a choir group that sings. a little short on the details, but i'm trying to wrap up this section quick.

they held auditions on the last day of school, and i decided to actually suck it up and try out this year. quite a few people have been asking me to try since Sophomore year, yet i only decided to start trying out this year. aren't i such a go-getter?

anyway, i think my audition went pretty damn well. we had to sing the U.S. national anthem, which might seem pretty daunting, but it was actually pretty easy. for me at least, some auditions were certainly better than others.

we then had to learn two songs and sing them in octets, which also went well. i'm a fast learner, which is the only thing i offer to the group since i can't sight read for sh*t. quite a few people are returning from last year, so i've got some hefty competition.

the results come out tomorrow, so wish me luck!! this could be the thing that finally stops me from having to put those red warnings at the top of these posts. even if i don't make it into Chamber Singers, i'm at least guaranteed to enter the Choir, which is like Chamber but for people who sing less good.

i think it's about time i wrap up this thing. i wrote most of it in two days, and ended up scrapping most of the stuff from the "big ideas" doc. it was just about me in therapy, anywho. this final draft is far more interesting, and equally as sad.

now that i'm ending the monthly post schedule, posts will start to be few and far between. unless i start rapid-firing posts anyway. they'll definitely be more focused, unlike the boring, rant-y posts i've been pumping out since the dawn of time.

with everything now said and done, my time as a Junior has officially come to an end. i've been told that Senior year is typically everyone's best year, and i'm hoping that's true for me. if this year was my peak, then i've got plenty less to look forward to next year.

have a good day and i'll see you next month, just not at the start of it.