post title from: Quadeca (x2)
words: 2,710
well, this month has been interesting. in a way, it kinda sucked. but it was also just kinda boring? mood swings are back, so that's probably why i feel this way. this is the first post in a while to have actually gone through more than one draft. it's kinda hard to write a consistent post when your emotions are the equivalent of a sine wave. at one point i was really mad, then i was bored, then i was depressed, and now?
yeah, this isn't quite the same post as last April, where i was happy and enjoying my time in theatre. instead you're getting Daydreaming 2, lucky you! well, not exactly. the original Daydreaming was just sad ranting, but this is more like confused ranting. most of these are just rants, anyway. i've been talking about the same five things over and OVER again, with occasional sprinkles of something new.
to be honest, i tend to forget what happens in a lot of these. what is this, post number 25? that's why i added titles to each post! if you hover over a post in the Blog page, it'll give you a blurb on what that post is about. you can also sort posts by year now, which wasn't at all an excuse for me to write more Javascript.
it's also given me the chance to revisit some of my more "memorable" blog posts, which by that i mean memorable to me. and by "blog posts" i mean everything from before the latter half of 2025. it just feels kinda samey afterwards. yeah, i'm the one writing this damn thing, and i'm not even afraid of admitting that. seriously, just read the blurbs for yourself.
it's because i've been so wrapped up in social anxiety, theatre, and all that other nonsense for months now. i lost the plot a while ago, forgetting how blogs are actually supposed to work. but hey! improvement is a constant process, and i'm really trying to turn things around this year. eh, i say i'm "trying", but i'm really just waiting for someone else to approach me and casually change my life. waiting for the day that person finds this blog... heh. i've still got that Sophomore year mentality in me.
even with my wildly fluctuating mood, i felt very productive this month. the web site got a pretty sizeable update, with the highlight being the new shrine i made. go check that out sometime, the game is very "niche" as i've been told. i'm quite proud of this update, since it adds a bunch of little details that bring me immense joy. it's also given me the chance to experiment more with Javascript, which i'm also enjoying.
progress on Labyrinths II has been going up, and i hope to release Alpha 2 sometime soon. not everything is gonna be polished to perfection, but the relatively rough idea is there. ever since the game jam, IGM's been going through a sort of "renaissance". a bunch of new tricks have been discovered, games are more experimental and complex, not to mention they look better than ever. if there was any time for Mr. Nested to return to this long-forgotten project, it's now. and no, i'm not saying this just so i can beg him to slap After Hours X on the homepage.
but anyway, i guess i'm ready to start this blog post. i've put some thought into it, and there's a small chance i'll end up switching to bi-monthly posts (every other month). yeah, there's plenty to talk about, but if i keep this up my posts folder is gonna explode. maybe i'm just writing these too early. it's only the tenth of March as of writing this, and a huge chunk of the upcoming section was written just as the month started. i'll hold off on writing for a little while and finish the rest later.
so, as i finish writing and revising various bits of this blog post, please enjoy my fully finished blog post.
to start us off, i kinda hate my U.S. History class. okay, maybe that's a stretch, but i just plain don't like it. when the class first started last semester, i already felt it was worse than last year's World History class. the teacher is very... "eclectic", as described by my dad, who also happens to be a history teacher. to put it simply, he loves projects. i hate them. his projects are also extremely outlandish, such as making a rap song about women's suffrage, or making a video about a debate over two World War II dogs. i wonder how the other students feel about them, but they feel like more of a headache than a break from the usual ten questions.
remember how i mentioned this post having more than one draft? well, this whole section was dedicated to the debate project and how it pissed me off. yeah, it got pretty heated. but that doesn't mean i'm still not mad. this class still ranks at about a D+. look, i don't HATE the teacher. when he's lecturing, he can actually be pretty emotive, expressive, and passionate. but when he's not? he's annoying the ever-loving crap out of me. how so? his projects. good lord, his projects.
if there's one thing that gets my blood boiling, it's projects. no, that doesn't mean i hate any project coming my way. if there's a class that specifically focuses on projects, say Theatre Arts for example, it's totally fine. but what gets me riled up is projects that waste my time. i have better things to do than film a debate over a couple goddamn dogs. like, who comes up with this sh*t?
i get some people probably see projects as a nice break from homework and such. but as a guy with hobbies, homework, and theatre? not a chance. my History projects are not only tedious, but really freaking annoying. at least let me choose to work by myself, for crying out loud! why does EVERY single project have to be in a damn group?! i'm already anti-social enough as is, and you won't even bother pre-assigning the groups? yes, i would genuinely prefer if he assigned us groups.
also, why does every project have to be a f***ing video? so far we've had to make a documentary, a rap video, a two-episode podcast, another documentary, and now a debate video? like, what is the point of ANY of this garbage? not to mention, we get anywhere from a month to two weeks to do these things. and these stupid ass projects are worth a whole 20% of our grade!
it hurts even more compared to my last history class, which i look back on fondly. we weren't bombarded by notes that went too fast for us to write, we weren't forced to waste our lack of time with meaningless projects, and we didn't have to spend 25 minutes each class working on a group project nobody cared for. i just vibed with the teacher to a degree where i called the class my favorite of the year.
i will say that i'm taking an Honors history class this year. last year's was a general class, since i was already stressed enough with Honors Chemistry. but come on, this is no way to make a class "harder". instead of being challenged with intricate lessons and difficult tests, i'm stuck debugging DaVinci Resolve for two hours so i can add vocals to my rap video. now, read that sentence again. do you see how stupid that sounds? why am i making documentaries and rap videos in my HISTORY class, for god's sake!? i don't care at this point! this isn't making the class any harder, it's just bloating the 'To-Do' list on Google Classroom.
whew... i gotta take a breather. even with the rewrite, i still got equally as angry. can't remember the last time i got so heated in the form of text. i know i said i'd be talking about my classes, sorry about that. but my History class (moreso the teacher) pissed me off so much that i guess i dedicated an entire section to it. my English class, on the other hand, now that's where it's at.
i didn't think much of the class last semester, but it's grown on me a lot these past few months. a few weeks ago, i went up to the front of the class as a sort of "demonstration" for the topic of Modernism. something about delving into the minutiae and deeper meanings of characters. but the reason i bring this up is because my hand did something i've never seen it do before: it shot up.
take one look at me. yeah, go ahead. take a trip to the About page and look at that floating image of me if you have to. i'm absolutely NOT the type to just offer to voluntarily go in front of the last and have my whole life questioned and examined. so why'd i do it? i didn't know anyone the class, yet that seems to have made me want to do it more. or... did it? i dunno, it's probably just because i, unbeknownst to my peers, actually enjoy my English class.
i can definitely say i surprised myself that day. i think i surpised my teacher as well, since he seemed rather excited to see me in particular raise my hand. he basically just delved into my "essence", since Modernism apparently focuses on the essences of things. as in, the minute details. he saw me as well, a moody teen, to put it bluntly. a lack of enthusiasm, a rebellious nature, and a resting b*tch face all miraculously combined to form the moodiest teen alive. i might be writing this off as some lame stunt my teacher pulled, but i actually enjoyed it. i didn't even have to say anything, it was just the teacher spouting insightful nonsense.
so why write about this, you might be asking? it reinforced something positive for a change. that day showed me that i'm not the same loser Freshman as when i started. i'm not the same overly depressed Sophomore as i was not too long ago. yeah, now i might be overly anxious and awkward, but it's a step in the right direction. i've grown a lot more than i think i have. now it's about time i, y'know, start putting that to use.
i've been thinking a lot as of recent, if you haven't noticed. mainly about last year, and even the year before that. posts like Worrywort and the Sophomore Year Review. something happened that brought them back to light, at least for a moment. my best friend, the only one i had in years, came to visit. someone i've referred to as Ghost.
now, i didn't know we'd interact after over a year of drifting apart. i've made zero effort to reach out, although i do that with basically everyone. but how could i not reach out to them? my so-called "best friend" and i couldn't even bother to say hello once in a while? at least she reached out to me after everything that happened in the next paragraphs. she's definitely still comfortable confiding in me, so a hint of our past friendship is there. it might not ever reach that level again, but i'm okay with that for now.
so Ghost came back. we hung out for a few days, at least. first thing we all did was go to the mall, where me and another friend waited like, 30 minutes for everyone else to arrive. i got matcha in the meantime, so i was cool. we went bowling, and i absolutely demolished the competition by getting a total of one strike. i was the only one there with the "pro" status in Wii Sports, so i dunno why they bothered trying me.
we then headed to the admittedly small arcade and blew all our credits on Pop the Lock. i recommend you play this version instead, don't waste your money like we did. the most i got from the arcade was a barrel of monkeys, along with the legendary, ultra-rare Chicken Jockey card from a Minecraft Dungeons Arcade machine. funnily enough, Dungeons II was announced very recently, and i have to say i'm ashamed of how they could so blatantly copy Labyrinths II's naming scheme. tsk tsk.
the next day, i hitched a ride with a friend to the beach, which i hadn't gone to in some time. every year, my family usually plans out a trip to the beach with their massive trailer. we weren't so fortunate last year, everyone must've been busy or something.
i quite enjoy the beach, despite the prevalent sand. for the most part, Ghost was in the deep waters with another friend searching for weird sand critters. i was in the shallow waters because mom told me to keep the water below the knee, and you should know i don't mess with the forces of water. it also happened to be St. Patrick's Day, and just about every one of us neglected to wear green. not like i usually remember, anyway.
overall, those two days were a nice extended break. it felt almost surreal to see Ghost so suddenly, after nearing bawling my eyes out the last time we saw each other in-person (it was the last day before Christmas break). after we said our goodbyes, however, i felt... sad. like, i'd say i felt early 2025 levels of sad.
during the car ride home, i didn't know how to feel. those two days filled with fun and friends had gone in the blink of an eye. it was, quite possibly, the last time i'll see Ghost until the end of Senior year. i know it'll feel faster than ever, but right now it feels so distant. what could i even expect from Senior year? i'm just some kid who won't let go, someone who believes they're worse off than everyone else. i'd end up like that guy Christian who talks to freshman all day, not knowing how to talk to people his age.
once i arrived home and brushed my teeth and all that, i didn't know what to do. both my social battery and overall battery had been drained. so i sat there, with my thoughts, alone. heh, not like it's new territory for me. in a matter of minutes, thoughts began to spring rapidly in my head. i thought of going offline for days on end, deleting my depressinginly inactive Instagram account, and even abandoning my friend group for a while. and then, i woke up, without even a trace of my mood from mere hours before.
so... what happened? just like that, i'm basically fine? after a night of sheer depression, i'm suddenly a-okay? huh, i guess this is what mood swings are really about. constantly switching emotions on a dime, never knowing what you're going to feel next. it's been a wild ride, i'll tell you that much.
some strange times these have been. maybe i've got more to talk about than i let on. only a fraction of it might be actually interesting, but i like writing and i'll write about basically anything.
it's kinda hard to imagine someone taking the time to read this. after all, this is my most expansive post in a long while. i ought to start writing poetry or something, could impress my three monthly visitors with some fire bars. i guess writing this post was pretty fun, since i didn't just blow through the whole thing in four days. a lot of my older posts feel disjointed as hell, and maybe this one does, too. i'm getting better though, and maybe next month we'll have a more uplifting post on our hands.
my Theatre Arts teacher is already begging the whole class to audition for next year's play, which he's apparently writing himself. so yeah, despite my lack of enjoyment for this year's plays, looks like i'm headed back for thirds.
until next time.